yay

So Mr. X is gone...again ! He is never home ! It's just me and Baby X ....again ! I'm not a single mother but sometimes it really feels like I am ! Sometimes I really wish I could go back to dancing just to be able to have some time doing something that I enjoy and is child free. I listen to music and can't help but remember what moves I used to do at what intervals of certain songs. Sometimes I cry ! I still have one outfit I used to wear but I don't dare put it on anymore, my body has changed so much since my dancing days that I'm scared I won't look as good in the little outfit as I used to. I quit everything to be Baby X's mom. Drugs, dancing, time for me and being me. I wonder if I will ever come back ! I love many aspects of the new me but somethings about the old me I really miss. Don't get me wrong, I love my baby and love being a mom, but I wonder if I will regain any part of the old Madame X ? ..... I feel more and more depressed lately. I picture myself on the stage, flying around the poles like I used to and often I find myself in tears. There are times that I have music playing and I just start to dance in my living room and find myself walking like I did on stage and doing sexy little moves like I used to. It brings me back. I don't think I'll ever be able to go back. Mr. X doesn't want me to. If it weren't for him I would have gone back to dancing shortly after Baby X was born. I miss my friends. I miss being able to girl it out ! Hair and makeup, cute outfits and 9 inch shoes, talking about custys (customers) and gossiping about the new girl, playing pool and winning a drink !

I want to go back !

When I started to write today I thought I was gonna write about my general dislike of Mr. X always being gone but I guess I subconsciously had other things on my mind.

Chow For Now

Madame X
xoxoxo