no shit !

so I've realized that I REALLY hate it when people tell me that I can go back to dancing or that I should ! I had a friend tell me the other day that there's a club that's not too picky that I could go work at ! Like HELLO !!! Don't you think I would if I could ?? No one wants to see this butt naked ! Not anymore anyways .... So now I just had someone else tell me I should go back !

Once you become a dancer for more than a few months it's like everyone expects you to be a dancer for the rest of your life ! They don't remember (or chose not to) how hard it was to get off of the drugs (that I've previously said are pushed on the girls), how hard it was to let go of all the money you make, and lead a normal life. ?

My life at The Spot became a LIFE ! I no longer responded to my given name while I was there. I responded to a "stage name". I even responded to it while doing my groceries as a mother called her young daughter, (turns out her real name was the same as my stage name). I had a different personality there. At home I was shy, conservative, and polite. But at The Spot, that was another story ! I was out there, not shy AT ALL, and sometimes I was one big bitch !

I can't say I haven't kept certain of those traits though but it changed some of my old ones. I am not so shy anymore, but I am FAR more conservative. Apparently now I don't like being touched  (something my darling mother-in-law insists on doing every chance she has) I figured that, for over 6 years I was touched all over (well almost) by total strangers, now.....DON"T TOUCH ME !!!!!!

Well that's all for today I guess.

Chow For Now

Madame X
xoxoxo

Is this life ?

So Mr. X is gone ....big surprise there ! He keeps telling me that I know where the door is and that I can take it anytime. I really don't know what to make of this ....does he want me to leave ? All he does is criticize me or tell me what to do ! Is this really what my life has become ? Does he think I will not leave him ? Well one thing is for sure if/when I do leave him, Baby X is coming with me ! Mr. X doesn't even feed Baby X, he calls his mother to come do it if I am not here ! How much of a man can you be if you can not even feed you child breakfast ? Yes today is a bit of a rant and rave but I felt compelled to write. We are supposed to be going to see one of Mr. X's sisters today. About an hour and a half away. That's how selfish he is, we will drive an hour and a half away to go see his family but he won'r drive half an hour to 45 minutes away to go visit my grand parents !!!!! And that's not the half of it. Child X (my oldest)(different father than Baby X) was in the hospital for a few days with a double pneumonia and he would not drive me to go see my child ! (I don't drive) ..... who does that ??? Sometimes I wish I had never met him at The Spot !!! But then i would not have Baby X and I would not trade my children for the world  !!! Sometimes I feel as though this is not a normal relationship but then other times I think 'well maybe it's normal and nobody talks about the hardships of  real relationships'.

I guess I have to go my mother-in-law is here ! YAY !! (can you read the sarcasm ?) She'll most likely be the subject of a future post.....she one interesting character I tell you.

Chow For Now

Madame X
xoxoxo

yay

So Mr. X is gone...again ! He is never home ! It's just me and Baby X ....again ! I'm not a single mother but sometimes it really feels like I am ! Sometimes I really wish I could go back to dancing just to be able to have some time doing something that I enjoy and is child free. I listen to music and can't help but remember what moves I used to do at what intervals of certain songs. Sometimes I cry ! I still have one outfit I used to wear but I don't dare put it on anymore, my body has changed so much since my dancing days that I'm scared I won't look as good in the little outfit as I used to. I quit everything to be Baby X's mom. Drugs, dancing, time for me and being me. I wonder if I will ever come back ! I love many aspects of the new me but somethings about the old me I really miss. Don't get me wrong, I love my baby and love being a mom, but I wonder if I will regain any part of the old Madame X ? ..... I feel more and more depressed lately. I picture myself on the stage, flying around the poles like I used to and often I find myself in tears. There are times that I have music playing and I just start to dance in my living room and find myself walking like I did on stage and doing sexy little moves like I used to. It brings me back. I don't think I'll ever be able to go back. Mr. X doesn't want me to. If it weren't for him I would have gone back to dancing shortly after Baby X was born. I miss my friends. I miss being able to girl it out ! Hair and makeup, cute outfits and 9 inch shoes, talking about custys (customers) and gossiping about the new girl, playing pool and winning a drink !

I want to go back !

When I started to write today I thought I was gonna write about my general dislike of Mr. X always being gone but I guess I subconsciously had other things on my mind.

Chow For Now

Madame X
xoxoxo

Let's Start it Here

I am Madame X, I am 27 years old, live somewhere in the province of Quebec, attend mass, have my in-laws over for Sunday suppers.... and.... as my page name says, I used to be an exotic dancer. Where ? Well let's just call it "The Spot", although I started off at a different, (sleazy), bar, where I ended up and called home for a few years (about 5 to be exact) was classy, during the booming days. The girls were nice ....beautiful too, the management was fair, and the customers ....OMG !! There were lots of them. I made good money and had lots of fun. It was like a paid girl's night out ! I got to wear the cutest little outfits, chill and drink with my girls, go for a smoke break whenever I wanted and make TONS of cash all the while. I'm not doing it anymore, though sometimes I wish I could, I have more important things to do now. I have a 7 month old ...let's call him "baby X", and a husband ("Mr. X") ....(ironically we met at "The Spot") ....

Dancing was so much fun ....at first ! But alot quicker then I remember, started the drugs ! You see, in a bar, specifically a strip club, drugs are more easily found then on the street ...hard to believe I know. But in a strip club it's all controlled. You buy from there. Whether it's the staff or "a guy" ...there is someone who is the designated dealer. You buy from there, and only there. Many times it is pushed on the girls ..."oh come on just one, it will help you make more money, it'll be easier for you to have a conversation with the strange men that just want to feel your boobs, it'll make it easier for you to let them" ....Eventually everyone gives in. I did. It gets out of hand very easily ....the first night you buy one with another girl and she ends up getting most of it, then before you know it that's not enough, you buy it for just yourself and you NEVER share ! Then, before you know it, you're going into work just to do it.

I'm so happy that I'm done with all of that ! Some things I've done I regret dearly and have a very hard time dealing with it all. You'll read most of it here. Although somethings I wouldn't dare whisper let alone write down for the world to see. But the more I  post, The more you will get to know me, Madame X, the things I've done, overcome, and  where my experiences take me.

Chow for Now !!!

Madame X
xoxoxo